


A Song About Flanders

by MaddieSimpson



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005), The Fortunes and Misfortunes of Moll Flanders (TV)
Genre: BAMF River Song, F/M, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I can't believe no one else has written this, Sitcom in spacetime
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-27 02:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20941121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieSimpson/pseuds/MaddieSimpson
Summary: Of course, as if nothing more could go wrong, there stood the TARDIS. “Oh bloody hell!”“What?”“My Damn husband is here.”“Aye, I 'eard you have lots a those.”River frowned. “Not that many. Wait, who exactly do you think I am?”





	A Song About Flanders

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't seen or read Moll Flanders, do it! The thieving, lying, husband collecting, life destroying beauty with impossible hair and one true love who finally settles down with her. Sound familiar? Oh and they happen to look exactly the same haha.

The Doctor fell into the chair across from her, hitting the small table and nearly jostling her half-pint to the point of spilling. “OH MY GOD!” He was breathless, as if he’d been running, which he had been, searching the neighborhood window by window for hours. “So this is what we’re calling going shopping now,” his fingers making quotation marks. “You failed to mention you were going shopping in London, 1721--I got the message on the psychic paper, what kind of trouble you got yourself in now?”

The woman sat in wide-eyed surprise, her keen observations simultaneously taking in his strange manner and appearance, in addition to his stranger words. “Sir, I’m afraid you must have me confused with someone else.”

“Rivahh! No seriously come on let’s go. The longer we stay in this god forsaken era the more we’ll need to consider de-lousing.” He started to get up, and noticed she wasn’t moving and plopped back down into the chair, folding his arms with a scowl. “Really, I know my past mes were into that role play business but I’m really not. This place is disgusting.” He looked at her with narrowed eyes. “River, how long have you been here? Your….” He wildly motioned above his head, “on top of your-”

“You mean my hair?” Her surprise had turned into curiosity, her brow furrowed and mouth slightly agape, her tongue playing behind her teeth.

“Yes, your hair. It’s far more insane. And let me tell you, I already know what you’re up to.”

She gave an amused chuckle and shook her head. “Sir I’m quite sure you’ve confused me with someone else, I regret we have never met.”

“Miss Moll!” The barmaid approached. “I know you can handle yourself mum, but is this man botherin’ you, mum?”

“No, I’m quite all right, love, thank you.” She turned to the Doctor. “This person, River? Is that who you’re looking for?”

“So, you seriously don’t know you’re you,” he said incredulously.

An amused grin lit her eyes. “I know who I am but who are you?” She said it with the exact calculated flirtatiousness that is trademarked by his River Song.

He thumped his fists on the table and jumped up, taking three steps away and three steps back in exasperation, clutching his head. “You really don’t know who you are?” He whipped out his sonic screwdriver and soniced her head, but hit the side of it, the readings were all wrong. “I don’t believe this. How long have you been here?” 

Moll’s curiosity piqued at the silver gadget emitting light. “What is that,” she said more to herself than the Doctor. She looked him over with more scrutiny, her chin resting in her hand.

He sat back down, with a frustrated sigh and a scowl. “River, I know you’re here to head off the jewelry robbery. Leave it to you to steal the diamonds before they’re stolen and sell them back to the Kirritonians. What’s the last thing you remember?”

A wide-eyed smile spread across her face. _“Really? _So, who am I to you exactly?”

“River, you’re my wife!”

“Oh, well that’s convenient, since you remind me of my fourth husband.”

The Doctor’s eyes rolled to the extent that they remained on the ceiling. “Four now!” He looked back to Moll. “This is very serious, you know. You’re joking about and don’t seem to be concerned at all! I still think you’re playing around and going to have a laugh over this.”

I’ll have a laugh all right, she thought. “I can assure you that I have no recollection. But,” she raised her finger for emphasis, “perhaps my memory might be returned by taking me to where you thought I was going?” She did her best to hide her smile, thinking of the potential this situation was sure to have. Just the silver gadget she couldn’t wait to get her hands on. She perused him a little more greedily and saw he was handsome, with a few years on her but that never was a concern. He seemed disinterested in her physically, this daft man thinks she’s his wife so that makes enough sense, she thought. Maybe take it as a challenge. She’d never used men for sport, only capital gains--first time for everything.

“Oh, will you stop with the look.”

She slightly shook her head, brought out of thought. “What look?”

“Like you want to have a shag. Typical you, don’t even know who I am and you want a roll.”

She couldn’t help but laugh, the first time in a very long time. She feigned horror at his assumption. “Sir! I can’t imagine what you’re talking about. How shameful!”

Despite the situation, he couldn’t help but share in her humor and chuckled. “You, ashamed of anything, ha! Come now, we need to get to the bottom of this.”

“Yes.” Why not put petty thievery to rest for the night and give this strange man and these diamonds a go? She downed the last of her glass and genteelly wiped the corner of her mouth as if to negate having gulped more than half of it at once. “But to whom do I owe this debt of gratitude for saving me from this wretched inn and helping to restore my memory?”

“WHAT?” He said it a bit too loud and the pub momentarily quieted, getting sideways looks from the other patrons. “What are you talking about?”

She shook her head at this odd man. “What’s your name?

“The Doctor.” He tightened his lips in frustration over having to tell this to his own wife.

“Doctor who?”

“Oh I’ll explain later,” He rolled his eyes and said with a sigh, and standing up headed quickly to the door, the crowd mindlessly parting for him. He looked back to Moll, who was staring at him, in awe of his rude and informal behavior. “Come on, why are you just sitting there?” He yelled across the crowded pub, attracting attention again. She hurried over to him, head down in wide-eyed embarrassment, and bent under his arm as he held the door for her.

* * *

River looked quite out of place with her hair in purposeful blonde ringlets, her breasts appropriately seeking escape from their corseted confines beneath a powder blue taffeta and gold embossed dress. She had been in custody for a few hours, even though she had, within minutes, formulated a fitting escape plan that didn’t involve serious injury to her captors. The only thing holding her back was figuring out how to find her sonic and vortex manipulator during the departure. She had no intention of breaking back into this hell hole of a prison.

She chided herself for getting caught by these flea-bitten creatins in the first place. River’d realized she was being followed through a busy square just a moment before she was surrounded, and only had a second to disable her manipulator. Apparently, they thought she was some notorious, albeit petty criminal. If they only knew who they really had, she thought with a sly smile.

After two hours of standing, she finally resolved to sit square in the middle of her cell in Newgate prison, since the place was filthy and infested with rats. She hadn’t planned on being exposed to this type of environment and failed to titer herself for the necessary pathogens. This was the absolute worst place for a person not up to date on time specific vaccinations; the survivors of this era would shape the future of human history through their resilience and ability to thrive despite wars, disease, and social neglect.

She noticed a young woman moving above her through the small window of her cell, which was situated a few feet below the community enclosure. Upon seeing her twice more, River decided to capitalize on her curiosity and beckoned. “You there, hovering girl.”

Immediately a face appeared, pressed between the bars. “Yes mum, hello miss Moll. It’s so exciting you’re here, everyone is talking about ya.” The girl beamed a putrid brown and yellow smile.

Sweet girl, River thought. Sweet right now. No doubt she was there for a reason. “Tell me, where do they keep the belongings taken from us when we’re arrested?”

“Oh that’ll be in the barracks stores.”

“Have you been there?”

“No, mum. But it’s behind the prison.”

“Is it a full barracks with living quarters?”

“Yes, the guards work a week on and a day off. Mind me asking,” the girl gave a conspirational smile, “are you planning something Miss Moll?”

River’s gaze lifted to meet the girl’s, she liked her. “Keep it to yourself and find me a guard aching for a taste of honey, and I’ll bring you with me.”

A wide brown smile broke across her face. “Done.”

“That’s a good girl.” River replied with a raised brow and half smile and saw her disappear into the shadows. Remarkable how any amount of time stuck in this dungeon hadn’t broken her spirit, she thought. And endearing how in this era of English history even the most uneducated could hold a conversation completely in metaphor. How important the contemporary playwrights were, influencing the illiterate masses with elevated expression.

She resumed her meditation, and was prepared to sit prose for hours, even days if necessary. But she didn’t have to when a barely post pubescent guard appeared at the top of the stairs leading down to her cell. “Uh, hello Ms. Moll, Katie said you wanted to see me specific?”

Good girl indeed, River smiled.

River did her deed and seduced the young man to the point where he was easily convinced to take her to his bed in the barracks, the only proper way to receive the full admiration of a lady such as she. The people in the era were so gullible. Had she been in any other part of the isles she was sure it wouldn't have worked, the guard would have just called her out and taken her then and there. Alas, this poor boy's face met the stone wall as they passed what he divulged was the barracks stores. Stupid tax, she thought as she watched him slump to the ground.

The Doctor wouldn’t approve, but he wasn’t here. His last incarnation had no clue as to the price a woman like her paid for survival, and when he found out bit by bit she kept paying in the form of penance and lies she hated to tell, all to placate her love. This ridiculous Scot, however, with the ridiculous hair, let himself know her truths and allowed himself to feel her pain and understand, forgiving her. He was the love of her life.

Easily she unlocked every barrier between herself and her belongings, thanks to one of the hair pins hidden in her mass of curls. Strapping the Vortex manipulator on and activating it with her sonic, she made sure it was in working order while in the privacy of the storeroom. She momentarily considered just zapping out, but remembered Katie, the girl who helped her. Always one to keep a promise, River was up for the challenge, but she was going to have to go old school. Couldn’t have Katie or this Moll person everyone was mistaking her for burned for witchcraft.

Looking round at the available weapons, she realized that not having one would get them farther to the gate. So, she merely left and made her way back to the community dungeon where her cell was. She always found it interesting how no one questions a person walking with purpose. It helped that she was still well kept together having only been there a few hours. Keeping her sonic concealed, she opened the gate, walked in to get Katie, grabbed her by the arm without a word and walked out, leaving the gate ajar behind them.

“Miss Moll! Is this what I think’s happenin’?”

“This is exactly what you think’s happening.”

Now with a dirty, disheveled prisoner on her arm, River received yells from guards as they briskly walked into the bright courtyard. Katie was blinded but River pulled her along. A guard approached and River with a kick to his groin, disarmed him of his musket and swiftly brought the butt up through his jaw with a crack. The unconscious guard was quickly stripped of belongings by a half dozen prisoners who’d followed them out, with more prisoners pressed to the windows cheering her with cries of “Atta girl, Moll!” Behind them prisoners continued to pour into the courtyard out of the dungeon.

The alarms could be heard, in addition to complete chaos which must have been the beginnings of a good old-fashioned prison riot. River with a musket in hand and pulling along Katie, briskly walked up to the two guards at the gate, and in one motion had the first one butt-stroked, and the bayonet in the face of the second, just as he was pulling the muzzle loader from his belt. “You really don’t want to do that.” River warned.

Seeing his friend on the ground, completely incapacitated and sensing the truth behind her cold warning, the guard released the grip of his gun and unstrung the keys from his belt. “You’ll get no trouble from me, Moll.” He fumbled for a second in front of the locks when he felt the bayonet in his back.

“Good. Now be a good lad and hurry.”

He opened the gate and was in wide eyed surprise when River handed him the musket and snatched the keys before dragging Katie along through to the main door. “Here, take this.” As she suspected it wasn’t properly loaded to begin with. She slammed the gate behind them and quickly soniced the main doors and she and Katie were out. The alarm bells could be heard ringing but the commotion inside garnered the attention of the guards, since no one was expecting a prisoner to just walk out the front door.

“OK, Katie, RUN!” River threw away the keys and led Katie down a narrow street.

“Did we really just walk out the front of Newgate prison?”

She smiled. That wasn’t even the easiest jailbreak she’d had. “Yeah we did. It’s always the last thing they expect, really.”

“Oh, they’re gonna write songs about this.”

She led Katie to an empty alley and looking back and forth to be sure they were alone, had them whisked into the vortex and back to the alley she originally arrived in, a few miles away.

Katie was frazzled, but no worse for wear once the ozone cleared. “I’m not even gonna ask, I’m just thankful, you’re an angel from above. I was going to be hung in three days’ time. Truly, prayers do get answered.” She almost tackled River with an impulsive hug around her corseted waist.

“Well thanks to you Katie.” River nervously laughed off what used to be a typical day for her. “Now you run along. Do you have friends in town to stay with tonight?”

“Nah, don’t you worry bout poor Katie, you’ve helped me enough.” And walking backwards, she gave a last smile and turned to make her way down the alley.

River smiled at the spunky, hopeful girl and was happy to play a part in her having more time. Back to business, she looked down at her manipulator to get the correct coordinates for the treasure room in the tower of London, but was interrupted. “Hey, what do you think that thing is?” She looked up to see Katie had stopped and was looking down another alley. Seeing her curious expression, River made her way over to see what had gotten her attention.

Of course, as if nothing more could go wrong, there stood the TARDIS. “Oh bloody hell!”

“What?”

“My Damn husband is here.”

“Oh yeah I heard you have lots of those.”

River frowned. “Not that many. Wait who exactly do you think I am?”


End file.
